- Fire -

We have gotten far.

Six years is a long time, when one looks back.  What was possible to change has been changed. What could be achieved had been achieved. Goals had been reached and limits were crossed.

And then it was over.

Six years of struggles, never ending worries and happiness shattered over one night.

Because of one person.

Sometimes, that’s exactly what you need to see illusions from reality. Jewels from sand.


   - Ice -  

Everyone knows Mana.

The princess.

The guitarist.

The fucking transvestite only brainless girls go for.

Mana…. is such a beautiful being. My source to everything we used to dream of as kids.

Mana is the strong, ruthless leader, the one who ties everything together.

Mana is flawless perfection. The seductive, dark being in leather. The silent, cold beauty with curly, golden locks.

Yes, everyone knows Mana.

No one knows me.


  - Fire -

Humans are funny.

Funny how the phrase plays over and over in my head as I walk down the streets, occasionally stopping by some store and pretending to look for something.

Everything I see in these windows can be mine, if I bother to snap my fingers and tell someone.  Don’t even have to buy this shit myself, our last concert made sure of that. Don’t remember last time I went inside a store myself and bought a pack of cigs.

Won’t last of course. Not anymore.

Since when did we fail to see what thin string our success was hanging on? I have no clue.

But it could matter less.

Humans are funny.

First time I heard it, was years ago. From him of course, though one has to share our black humour to understand.

Vengeance, for example. I never trusted our precious vocalist in particular, but still it caught me off guard. Didn’t even suspect he would pull off something like that.

Hate is another funny thing about humans. Could have torn that bastard to pieces the very same night. Could have made sure he never got out another sound from his golden throat.

But it still wouldn’t change anything. And it could matter less.

Humans are funny. Not my type of humour though.


  - Ice -

Ignorant. Selfish. Little. Bitch.

Those were his last words to me, before he slammed the door shut and left the business meeting.

Ignorant? I assume so. It has always been easier that way. Saved me from certain things.
Just stick your nose up in the air and pretend you don’t see what’s going down below.

I always knew what was going on though. It was necessary, after all. I just closed my eyes and pretended.

But  I kept everything concerning business in control. Never bothered with anything else. Never bothered if you and Kami were arguing. Never bothered to hear about Yu-ki’s wife being ill.

They expected me to carry their lives on my shoulders… but I couldn’t.


Yes, I’m definitively ignorant.

Selfish? Indeed. How ironic of you to put that label on me, though.

I’m selfish. I had plans for our project, and they weren’t small. Perhaps I failed to see certain things because of this. But small obstacles couldn’t matter then. It goes hand in hand with being ignorant.

And perhaps, perhaps I just needed a shield so people like you wouldn’t break me. Not that fast at least.

I have no one but me. Of course I’m selfish.

Little… an inappropriate remark would suit here, but I guess a man who wears platforms to be a head taller, cannot call himself anything else. I’ll let you have that one too.

It’s easy for you to throw insults about others’ physical appearance, isn’t it? If you were someone else, anyone, I could have shut you up. But you… not you.

I’m not even going to try pretending I’m as perfect as you. You knew it, of course.
And because of this, you always got what you wanted. You asked no one. You took it.

And I stood in your way, didn’t I?  

But in the end, it became easy for you to wipe us out.

Compared to you, I’m small.

Bitch. Interesting insult you choose there, referring to my cross-dressing just as much as to my personality.

I’m almost smirking. Both ignorant and selfish… and little. Of course I’d be a bitch.

Let’s see… one, two, three unnecessary words before you made your point. Then again, no one claimed thinking was one of your strong sides.

But you still took me down.  

I turn around, throwing my small mirror into the wall. Watch the sparkling pieces fall to the floor before I leave the room.

Bitch.


- Flames -

Sometimes, I wonder where we did go wrong. It had to be somewhere at least, that’s for sure.

When I saw him entering with the documents in his hand, dress soaked and makeup running down his face, breath heavy from running in the rain, I knew it had to be somewhere.

Well, at that moment, I didn’t know anything. I guess our minds were too stunned to know, think or comprehend anything at all.

But later. Weeks later, maybe. I started asking certain questions…. over and over again.

But I don’t find an answer.

Seeing him die a little every day, exhausted beyond belief…  I wish I could wrap my arms around his shoulders, tell him that in one way or another, somehow, we’ll pull through. Like I used to do once.

But I can’t. Because we don’t live in a tiny apartment anymore. Because we aren’t two stupid, young teenagers who are satisfied as long as they have a place to sleep and cheap food to eat. Because at some point in life, the gates shut behind us and there is no way back.

Because he is Mana and I am Kozi.

- Blizzard -

Sometimes, I look out of the window at my office and remember. The people I see down there, they’re in a hurry. It must be unpleasant to be out in the cold… they wish to finish their errands as fast as possible and escape the wind.

Well, it’s warm inside here. Very warm, in fact. I need to find another reason to why I’m freezing again. Maybe I still haven’t recovered fully from that cold I caught last week…

There is the world, and then there is me.

I still remember that phrase from my youth. These cold windows…  There have always been walls of glass separating me from life.

For one second, I imagine myself breaking the glass. Falling among shards of glass down to certain death.

Oh the drama.

I suppress a laugh. I’m an artist by nature, what can I say? Drama, angst – the pain of others – has always entertained the audience.

Interesting aspect of human nature indeed. How pain of someone can give pleasure to someone else.

Isn’t that right, dear vocalist?

Death would have been relief in itself, but I have to wait. Suicide has never been my thing anyway. Too common, too pathetic. I can’t give you that satisfaction at least.

Pathetic is a quite flexible word by the way. My desperate attempts at saving our band the last weeks can seem pathetic to some. But that’s the only solution I see. Life is limited…

Today I fell in the corridor. Perhaps running in platforms isn’t the best idea, but I was in a hurry. Either way, I fell. Hurt my knee pretty bad too. He saw me, of all things. Knelt beside me and grabbed my arm. At that point, I wanted nothing else but bury my face in his shoulder and cry.

But I couldn’t, of course. Life is limited. I brushed his hand away as I got up, ignoring the pain. I thanked him for the concern. And I left.


- Ashes -

The higher you rise, the harder you fall.


Falling from the sky is one of the more painful things in life. Some never get over it.

They continue living in the dreams of the past, eyes clouded by old memories. Or they give up themselves in order to save the fragments of what’s lost. One needs to let go. It’s not worth it.
The band was never worth it.

But who am I to talk?

Yesterday he threw me out of his office and slammed the door shut. I’m sort of used to it now though. Everyone says Kozi is dense. I got to be. No one else would do this. It’s not worth it.

But I’m dense. Like a cat running after it’s tail.

It’s all right, Sat-chan. If you ever need me, I’m waiting right behind your door.


- Fin -